


Tell Me Your Love Is Still Only Mine

by devilgoat



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Eddie didnt die, Fluff and Angst, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Love Confessions, M/M, Pennywise is a little bitch, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 06:44:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20756060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilgoat/pseuds/devilgoat
Summary: After coming out of It's lair, Eddie is rushed to the hospital. Richie never leaves his side, and once Eddie wakes up, they both must confront their buried feelings. After a spur of the moment kiss, 27 years of yearning come bubbling up to the surface. But love can defeat years of repression, right?





	Tell Me Your Love Is Still Only Mine

There was a flutter in his chest and his muscles seized. For a moment, Eddie thought he was having a heart attack. Then the thought settled in his brain as a nagging, then _screaming_, voice. 

_You’re having a heart attack. Oh my god, it’s a heart attack. I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die. _

His heart fluttered again and blood rushed up to his cheeks. 

_What is happening to me? _

Richie broke the kiss between them. 

An unbearable moment passed. Then another. And another. 

“Eddie?” Richie looked at the wild panic that had glazed over Eddie’s eyes. “Oh shit,” he brought a hand up and ran it through his hair. “I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, I’m sorry.”

_Why did I do that_, he thought to himself. 

_Why did he do that_, Eddie thought, Why did it feel right?

———————

Richie had almost lost Eddie down there. Down where It lived. He had gotten so hurt. Richie thought Eddie was going to die, and he along with him. He couldn’t just leave him there. Not after Eddie risked his life for him. 

His little scaredy-cat Eds actually threw that damn fire poker at It. To save him. It had hurt him bad, and he almost bled out. But Richie couldn’t leave him. No matter what he couldn’t leave him. With strength he didn’t know he had, he pulled Eddie up and dragged him out of It’s lair. With a little help from Ben, of course. They had nearly died down there. Eddie nearly died down there. 

With a stroke of luck Eddie survived. They stayed at the little hospital of Derry Medical as Eddie recuperated. All the Losers stayed for Eddie, at least for a while. 

Richie didn’t want to think about what it was like when they first brought him in. The fear he had felt. The blood. The look on Eddie’s face when they carted him away and all Eddie could do was stare at Richie with tear-addled eyes, his mouth soundlessly crying out _Richie, Richie, Richie..._

The Losers waited and cried. There was nothing else they could do. Despite all they had done to kill It, there was nothing any of them had in their power to help their Eddie. So they waited and they cried. 

Finally Eddie had woken up. The first few times he had only a sliver of consciousness. The blood loss and the damage to his body didn’t allow him to stay awake more than a few minutes at a time. At one point he was able to reach out to Richie, but his hand flopped to the bed as he passed out again.

After he was transferred from the ICU, the doctors had said that he was on his way to recovery. After that, the Losers stayed, but they didn’t cry. Except for Richie. He didn’t cry in front of them anymore. He knew that they would understand how distraught he was, but he didn’t want to face it himself. He cried alone in the bathroom until his head ached. 

One by one they had left. 

Ben and Beverly were the first leave. They had done it. After all this time they had finally found each other and they were ready for their lives together. Richie understood.

Then it was Bill. He had a life and a career to get back to; there were books to write and movies to make. He understood that too. 

Mike was the last to leave. He left Derry, finally, after all these years. He was ready to start his own life that only he could live. Richie understood that most of all. 

But Richie couldn’t just leave. Not without Eddie. 

There was no sign of Eddie’s wife. Although to be fair, she didn’t make an effort to reach out and neither did Richie. 

The hospital chairs were stiff and made Richie’s body ache, but he stayed overnight like so many nights before without complaint. The hospital tried to get him to leave, but he shouted and screamed until they had no choice than to let him stay. He only ever got up from his chair to go to the bathroom or to grab a bit of food from the hospital cafeteria. 

This night, he had woken himself up from his own snoring. He cleared his throat and sat up straight. Richie’s eyes immediately drifted towards Eddie’s bed. He heard his name. A chill immediately ran through his spine when his eyes connected with Eddie’s. 

Eddie had woken up just a few moments before. At first, he felt like he was underwater. But even before his eyes had struggled open, his mind began to race and juggle a hundred thoughts at once. 

_Okay I’m awake. I’m alive. I’m still alive. God my stomach hurts. Oh shit, is my stomach fucked it? Is it cancer? Stomach cancer? No, no no. Am I bleeding? It hurts to breathe. _

His eyelids were heavy. Things were fuzzy as they always were, but he managed to stay awake for more than a few seconds. He raised his hand to touch his chest and the immediate throb snapped his eyes wide open. 

Eddie took in the sight of the room around him. Clean, dull colored walls surrounded him. A single window let the morning light in. A hospital. He didn’t know whether he should be relieved or worried about the diseases crawling through halls that could kill him when It couldn’t. 

_It. _

_What happened to It? _

All he could remember was being thrown through the air like nothing. He remembered Richie and the fear in his eyes. That was something he would never be able to forget. Never. 

_Wait. Richie. _

_Oh god, Richie!_

Without meaning to, he had said Richie’s name out in a harsh whisper. And when he turned, there he was. 

“Richie!” 

“Eddie!”

Richie propelled himself out of his chair with such force that he toppled it over. He ran over to Eddie and wrapped his arms around his friend’s shoulders. Eddie would have done the same if the pain hadn’t shot its way from his chest out to his limbs and his head. 

“Ow ow ow ow ow, Rich—“ Eddie groaned in pain. Richie pulled away and his trashmouth stumbled over its words for the first time.

“Oh fuck, oh god, I’m sorry. Ed-Eddie, I’m so sorry. Y-you—you okay?”

Eddie’s head fell backward onto his pillow. “What the fuck do you think?” He smiled before a cough shook it off his face. His cheek ached from his wound. 

Richie couldn’t help but to laugh. He genuinely could not. He laughed a laugh of nervousness and panic. Of a mountain of strain and stress suddenly sloughed off of his shoulders. He covered his mouth with his hand and muffled it as best he could. 

“What’s so fucking funny,” groaned Eddie. “You flipped a perfectly good chair you inconsiderate asshole.” 

Now even Richie’s hand couldn’t stifle his laughter. Richie bent his head down onto Eddie’s bed and rested it there. His laughter started to slow until only his shoulders shook. It became obvious to Eddie that Richie was crying. 

With a bit of effort, Eddie raised his hand and placed it on Richie’s head. 

Richie’s shoulders stopped shaking. He lifted his head and turned it away from Eddie in order to wipe his tears without them being seen. 

“Hey, Rich?”

Richie cleared his throat again and turned back to Eddie, “Yeah?”

Eddie opened his mouth but his words caught in his throat. He wanted to say things were okay, he wanted to say that Richie didn’t need to cry, he wanted to say that it hurt him to see Richie hurt. 

But instead he asked what happened and why the fuck was he lying here. 

Richie gave him the cliff notes. Pennywise shriveled like the little bitch It was and they had carried Eddie out of there. He left out the part that he couldn’t carry Eddie out on his own. 

“I uh...I almost died huh? That happened. That was nice. Totally didn’t see that coming, yeah no.” Eddie looked straight forward and felt vindicated in what he had been saying the whole time. “Just had to be me, right?” 

“I mean, but you didn’t, right? That’s gotta count for something?” 

There was a moment of silence that filled the air. Richie couldn’t help but feel guilty. 

“Hey Rich?”

“Yeah, Eds?”

Richie watched as Eddie’s eyes glazed over with tears. In that moment, Richie saw just how soft Eddie’s features were. Just how gentle and...and sad. 

“Thanks,” Eddie swallowed back his tears, “Thank you, Richie. For always looking out for me. I’m sorry...I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. I couldn’t protect you in the house, with that-that thing. I just stood there. And I couldn’t help you down there either. I tried, but I fucked it up. I thought I could save you, Richie, I thought I could do something, I thought—“

Before the first tear could fall, Richie leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Eddie once more, gently this time. 

“Just shut the fuck up,” he whispered into Eddie’s ear. 

Eddie brought up his arm and wrapped it around the back of Richie’s neck. Fuck the pain. 

They stayed in each other’s embrace for what seemed like forever, but even forever ends. 

Richie pulled away ever so slowly. Their eyes met, only centimeters apart. He felt it build inside of him until he couldn’t take it anymore. He closed the space between them. 

Eddie’s lips felt soft and beautiful against his own. 

The two of them connected for the briefest of moments, but there were years behind their kiss. 

Eddie felt his heart race and nearly burst out of his chest. 

Richie pulled away. 

Eddie stared up at him. 

_This doesn’t make sense. Why did he do that. Why does it feel like this. What’s happening?_

Richie had turned beet red. 

“Eddie?”

Eddie hadn’t realized that he had frozen in place like a statue. He couldn’t say anything. He didn’t even know what he would if he could. He could only stare. 

“Oh shit,” Richie ran his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, I’m so sorry.”

Richie righted himself and began to walk in a tight circle. 

“Fuckfuckfuckfuck,” he muttered under his breath. 

“Richie?”

With one final, “I’m sorry,” Richie left the room. 

Eddie was—well he didn’t know what he was. 

Without even a moment to process, Richie came back into the room. Their eyes locked. Richie came closer but stopped in his tracks. He bent over and picked up the chair and righted it. 

And within a second he was gone again. 

Eddie turned to the chair and stared. 

——————

_What the fucking fuck, Richie, you goddamn idiot why would you DO that?_

Richie scolded himself as he walked down the Derry streets in a pace anyone would describe as aggressive and worrying. 

He was heading towards the inn. There was nothing he could do now. He had kissed Eddie...Eddie…he shook his head free of thoughts. He had done that and there was no taking it back. The only thing he could do now was cut his losses and get the hell out of Derry as soon as physically possible. 

After a while he had made his way to the inn’s doorstep. The entire way over he had been trying to knock his thoughts away from Eddie. 

Eddie. 

Eddie. 

Eddie. 

His lips. His eyes—

_No, no stop it. It didn’t happen. It didn’t matter. I don’t know where it came from so it’s fine it doesn’t matter it doesn’t mean anything. I just need to move on and get the fuck out of here. _

Once in his room, he sat on his bed and looked up the earliest flight he could take out of Derry or whatever town he needed to go to do so. 

_You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. _

The next flight wouldn’t be until tomorrow morning. He would have to stay in Derry for at least another 24 hours. 

Richie couldn’t take it, he just couldn’t. All the memories—27 years worth—pounded into his brain and heart. The guilt, the shame, the loneliness. His friends. His friends were always there for him. But they didn’t know his secret. No one could know. But now Eddie knew. He just gave in to what he tried to convince himself was an impulse, but he knew deep in his heart that it was something that he had wanted to do for so, so long. 

Richie only ever needed Eddie. Even as his memories had faded over the years, nothing ever felt truly right. He tried to seek a relationship, but his love was never truly love. He didn’t know why until now. 

What the fuck was he supposed to do for another 24 hours? He couldn’t just stay here locked in his room. He would drive himself insane. 

Thankfully, his stomach answered his question. 

Richie’s stomach grumbled from hunger. Once he felt that first twist, he realized just how hungry he was. He hadn’t had a proper meal in what seemed like forever. 

In his little room, Richie sat on the edge of his bed and let out a small sigh. 

——————

After Richie had left, Eddie’s head was swarming with thoughts. They were indecipherable even to him. They ran and spun around his mind over and over again. But all of them revolved around Richie. 

_He kissed me. _

_He actually kissed me. _

_Why did he do that why did he do that. _

_No it was just a fluke. It was one of those situations when people get caught up in the moment. Like when team players win a game and slap each other’s asses or kiss each other. Yeah it was just that. It didn’t mean anything. _

_Then why does it mean something to me? _

_Mom would be freaking out if I told her about this. _

_She always told me about the germs. The diseases. The diseases men carried when they kissed other men. I could never risk it. I never risked it. I always stopped myself before. I didn’t want to die. Mom always told me I would die. That I would rot and fall apart and leave a trail of pieces as I walked around. _

_That I would turn into a Leper. _

At the moment, Eddie mostly felt fear. He feared illness and death and that something terrible would happen. 

But Eddie touched his lips and he could still feel Richie’s pressed against them. The fears subsided for a moment, _just_ a moment. Enough for him to realize that it wasn’t as scary as he thought it would be. 

It was actually…

Good. 

A differently kind of fear settled into his mind. What about Richie? He stormed out. He was so upset. Richie must have hated it. He must have hated him.

Eddie was stuck on the kiss. The kiss the kiss the kiss. But he shouldn’t like it, right? He can’t like it. And yet he did. He really did. 

He couldn’t just lie here. No he needed to talk to Richie. He had to ask him why it all happened. 

Eddie pulled the sheets off of himself. With quite a bit of difficulty, he stood up. He lifted up his gown and saw the series of stitches and staples going down his torso. He looked fucking terrible. 

He called in the nurse who immediately ordered that he lie back down. Any other time he would listen. Any other time he would stay in the hospital and wait. But now he couldn’t. 

He had to find Richie.

Eddie could move himself well enough, although the pain definitely was a bitch. Even with the leftover of the pain medication, it was still bad. He refused help from the doctors and nurses. All they could do was give him some pills before he checked himself out and left. 

It took him quite a while longer to walk to the inn. The stairs were quite difficult. Eddie knocked on the door. 

“Richie?”

After he didn’t hear a response, he let himself into Richie’s room. He wasn’t there. 

Eddie checked the bathroom, calling out again. No sign of his friend. He stood still for a few moments. Richie must have left. He left him. 

Eddie’s eyes became cloudy. He wiped away his tears and thought about what he could do. But was there anything he could do? Would he ever even see Richie again? He couldn’t bear the thought. Whether he knew it or not, Richie was the missing piece that he needed. 

A sudden pang of pain hit Eddie’s stomach. For a moment he was afraid he ripped his stitches, but in the next he realized it was hunger. It was burning need, and no matter how he wanted to stay there in case Richie came back, he had to eat.

Eddie wipes his eyes again as he slowly descended the stairs and left the inn. He tried to remember the closest restaurant from here. He immediately remembered his favorite little place. It was a diner that had been there since the 50s. The Losers has gone there so many times for cheap burgers and milkshakes. Richie and Eddie went there to spend some time alone.

He made his way down the block and crossed the street. 

The diner still had its original checkered tile flooring. The booths’ red seats had started to peel along the edges and little strings of the interior hung out. Eddie was immediately annoyed by it. When he opened the door, it hit the small bell above it and signaled his entrance. 

Richie stopped mid-bite when he saw Eddie at the door. His mouth snapped shut. Eddie froze in the doorway. 

_Fuck, should I leave? Should I stay? Should I sit with him or go further in the back? Should—_

“Hey, honey, come on in,” said the middle-aged waitress from behind the counter. 

Eddie clenched his jaw and let the door close behind him. Light doo-wop played over the speakers. Richie put his burger down and leaned back in his seat, his eyes on the plate in front of him. 

Eddie’s eyes shifted from one side to the other. His heart slammed against his chest. He felt pinpricks of sweat as they began to arise. 

_Okay, okay, okay, here we go. _

Each step felt like he was weighed down by a ball and chain. It’s not that he didn’t want to speak to Eddie, but how could he explain what he felt to him. How he felt _for_ him. 

Eddie tried to lower himself into the booth. Richie’s sudden movement out of his seat sent a jolt of fear through Eddie’s body. He thought that Richie was bolting again. Instead, Richie wrapped his hand around Eddie’s arm and helped lower him down into the seat. 

“Thanks,” said Eddie. Richie still avoided looking him in the eye. 

Only now did Richie make his way to the door. Eddie reached out and grabbed his jacket. 

“Richie...please...” His eyes looked up and pleaded. He hoped Rich could hear it in his voice. 

Richie looked straight ahead for a moment before he turned to sit down once more. He stared down at his burger without a word or a sound. 

Eddie watched him. He traced his features with his mind’s eye. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” Richie finally picked up his burger and took a bite. 

“Come on, Rich, we both know you’re not _that_ stupid.” He leaned forward and began to whisper. “The...you know—the fucking ki—“

The waitress came up and gently placed a menu down in front of Eddie. He leaned back in his seat and blushed. He gave her a forced smile and nodded at her. 

“Take your time,” she smiled. 

Eddie thanked her and she walked away. He didn’t bother looking at the menu. 

“Richie—“

“I said—!” Richie forced his voice down to a harsh whisper. “I said I don’t want to talk about it!” 

“Well I do, asshole!” 

Richie forced air out of his nose. For the first time since Eddie came in, he looked him in the eye. “Alright, then talk.” He waved his hand. 

“So um...um...” Of course now that he had the chance, Eddie couldn’t think of what to say. “How’s uh...how’s the burger?” 

Richie gave him a quizzical look. “Uhhhh, well just about the same as when we were kids: cheap and greasy. They seem smaller now though.”

“Yeah, age...age does that huh? Make things seem different, in a way. I’m sure it’d give you a heart attack now since you’re so fucking old.” 

“Well, not too different I’d say. You’re still an anxious, hypochondriac fuck.”

“I’m not a hypochondriac! I have good reason to be worried, okay? It’s my job!” Eddie pointed a finger. 

“Yeah, it’s your job to be an anxious fuck,” Richie laughed. 

Eddie sighed and crossed his arms. “Well at least I’m good at my other job too.”

“You have another job?”

“Yeah, it’s fucking your mom. She doesn’t really pay well.” 

They both laughed at each other. Their smiles slowly faded while their eyes lingered on one another. 

“Richie,” Eddie sighed. “Back at the hospital...”

Richie looked away and ran his hand through his hair. “Look, that was an accident, it—it didn’t mean anything.” It pained him to say that. He wanted to tell his Eddie Spaghetti that it meant everything. That every fiber of his being pulled him into it. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t let Eddie know what he really felt. Eddie would hate him. 

Eddie’s heart dropped. “Oh.” So he was right. It didn’t mean anything. He realized how badly he wanted it to mean everything. If he said what he felt now, he would just look like a fool.

However, neither knew that other just couldn’t let go. They haven’t been able to let go the past 27 years. There was no way they could do it now. 

In unison they said each other’s names. 

“Eddie—“

“Richie—“

They both stopped themselves. 

They sat in silence for a while. They gazed into each other’s eyes. 

“Eds,” Richie’s soft voice barely carried over to the other side of the booth. “Can I show you something?”

Eddie nodded. Richie left the money for the burger on the table as well as a nice tip. Richie led the way out of the diner and Eddie followed close behind. The waitress watched them go. _They look so cute together_, she thought. 

——————

The two of them walked through town and out to the outskirts. Richie kept a pace that Eddie could keep in his injured state. Buildings petered out and an increasing amount of trees took their place. Richie knew this area well, and when he saw the bridge, his heart did a backflip. He was slightly ahead of Eddie so he rushed to a side of the bridge and stood in front of a specific portion of it. Surrounding him were carved initials in the wood. Some were new; some had dulled over the years. Hearts encircled some of them in ancient declarations of love. Eddie wondered how many of them lasted. 

“What are we doing here, Rich?” Eddie asked. He stuffed his hands in his pockets to stop them from shaking. 

_Did he want us in private to tell me it was all a mistake? That he regretted it and it was time to part way? But I don’t want to hear it. I can’t hear it. It already hurts so much. _

Richie’s voice shook him out of his neuroticism. “Eds? I-I—“ he couldn’t say it. As desperately as he wanted to—as he needed to, he couldn’t. So instead, he took a step to the right. 

“What?” Eddie kept his eyes on Rich until they wandered over to the bridge. 

R + E.

The gears slowly turned in Eddie’s head. R...Richie. E...Eddie? 

_Me?_

“Eddie,” Richie could already feel his regret, but he couldn’t keep this secret anymore. It had bored into him for years and years. It dug a hole in his heart. 

_Alright, I just need to say it. Like a band-aid. Just say it Rich, just fucking say it!_

The words burst out of him like they had a will of their own. 

“Eddie, I–”

Eddie crossed the distance between them. He grabbed either side of Richie’s face and pressed their lips together.

It felt like a bomb exploded between them. Their lips were high-powered magnets clinging to one another with natural force. The buzzing of electricity between them flowed from their mouths to their chest to their fingertips. 27 years passed between them. 27 years of yearning, desire, love, friendship. It was all there between them in a bond that refused to be broken by anything. Not time, or monsters, or fear. 

They pulled away from each other, but this time it was not from fear or shame. They needed to see each other. It needed to be finalized in their minds. Eddie’s hands stayed on Richie’s face and held him in a way that he always needed to do. Richie raised his hands up and placed them on Eddie’s shoulders. 

“Eds?” 

“Yeah, Rich?”

Richie paused. 

“I love you.”

Eddie never broke his gaze. 

“I love you too, Richie.” 

They broke their embrace. Eddie asked if Richie still had his pocket knife on him. Richie nodded and gave it to him. 

They carved their initials into the wood once more. 

R+E.


End file.
